Your Business Might Be a Piece of Shit—Or Maybe You Don’t Even Deserve One
Let’s cut the crap: if your business is a dumpster fire, it’s probably because you’re screwing up the basics. Not some fancy MBA-level strategy—just the bare-minimum shit that keeps things from imploding. If you’re guilty of any of these sins, you’re either too lazy, too cheap, or too dumb to deserve a seat at the table. Here’s the brutal truth about why your operation’s a joke—and why you need to fix it yesterday.
You Don’t Use a CRM—Are You Running a Business or a Garage Sale?
Customer Relationship Management isn’t optional; it’s the damn backbone of knowing who the hell you’re dealing with. If you’re still tracking leads on sticky notes or—God forbid—your phone’s contact list, you’re a walking disaster. No CRM means no pipeline, no follow-ups, and no clue who’s ready to buy or who’s ghosting you. You’re not “keeping it simple”; you’re keeping it stupid. Businesses that don’t use tools like Salesforce, HubSpot, or even some cheap-ass alternative are bleeding money and don’t even know it. Get your shit together and stop pretending chaos is a strategy.
You Don’t Answer Emails by End of Day—Enjoy Pissing Everyone Off
Here’s a pro tip: when someone emails you, they’re not asking for a pen pal—they want a response. If you’re letting messages pile up like dirty laundry, you’re not just rude; you’re tanking your reputation. End of day isn’t some arbitrary deadline; it’s the minimum standard for anyone who pretends to give a damn. Clients waiting 48 hours for a “sorry, been busy” reply aren’t coming back—they’re finding someone who doesn’t suck at basic communication. Check your inbox, hit reply, and quit acting like you’re too important to care.
You Think Texting Is Acceptable for Primary Business Communication—Grow the Hell Up
Texting’s great for telling your buddy you’re late to the bar, not for running a business. If you’re closing deals with “lol k sounds good,” you’re not edgy—you’re a clown. Business needs structure: emails with threads, attachments, and a paper trail, not a string of emojis and typos. Clients don’t want to dig through their phone to figure out what you meant by “ship next wk.” And don’t even get me started on group chats—nothing says “I’m an amateur” like a 20-person “thx all!” spam fest. Get a real system and leave texting for your Tinder dates.
You Don’t Have an Ability to Schedule Calls—Stop Wasting Everyone’s Time
If booking a call with you feels like negotiating a hostage release, you’re doing it wrong. “When are you free?” emails bouncing back and forth for days is a one-way ticket to nobody giving a shit about you. Use a scheduling tool—Calendly, Acuity, hell, even Google Calendar if you’re broke. Give people a link, let them pick a slot, and quit playing phone tag like it’s 1995. No one’s got the patience to chase your ass down, and every minute they waste is a minute they’re plotting to work with someone else. Fix this or watch your opportunities dry up.
You Don’t Have Terms and Conditions—Congrats, You’re a Lawsuit Waiting to Happen
No T&Cs? You’re basically handing every client, vendor, and random scumbag a blank check to screw you over. Terms and conditions aren’t just legal mumbo-jumbo; they’re your shield against scope creep, non-payers, and “I didn’t agree to that” bullshit. Without them, you’ve got no ground to stand on when shit hits the fan—and it will. Spend a couple bucks on a lawyer or at least steal a template online, but stop flying blind. You’re not “trusting the process”; you’re begging to get burned.
You Skimp on Tech and Cyber—You’re Not Frugal, You’re a Liability
Oh, you’re still using Windows XP and a $20 antivirus from 2012? Cute. Skimping on tech and cybersecurity isn’t “smart budgeting”—it’s a neon sign screaming “hack me.” You’re not just risking your own data; you’re putting your clients, your partners, and everyone dumb enough to trust you in the crosshairs. One phishing email, one ransomware hit, and your business is a smoking crater. Invest in decent tools—cloud storage, firewalls, two-factor authentication, the works. And for the love of God, don’t DIY this shit—you’re not an IT wizard, you’re a cheap bastard with a YouTube tutorial and a prayer. The cost of a breach dwarfs whatever pennies you’re pinching, so quit screwing around with duct-tape fixes. Step up or step out.
You Buy Tech From Best Buy Because You’re an Impatient Prick
Oh, you ran to Best Buy for a $300 laptop and a consumer-grade router because you “needed it now”? Congrats, you impatient jackass—you’ve just saddled your business with junk that’ll choke the second you scale. We told you to get enterprise-grade gear—proper servers, business-class hardware, stuff built to handle real work—but no, you’re too damn impulsive to listen. That Best Buy special might’ve saved you an afternoon, but it’s gonna cost you months of downtime, data loss, and “why’s this shit so slow?” headaches. Stop being a short-sighted prick and invest in tools that don’t suck.
You’re Using a Free Email—You Look Like a Broke-Ass Wannabe
If your business email ends in @gmail.com, @yahoo.com, or—sweet Jesus—@hotmail.com, you’re not a professional; you’re a poser. Nothing screams “I’m too cheap to invest in my own brand” like a free email address. Get a custom domain—[email protected]—and quit looking like some kid running a scam out of his mom’s basement. It’s not just about optics; free emails get flagged as spam more often, and they don’t integrate with real business tools half as well. Spend the $10 a year, you stingy jackass, and stop embarrassing yourself. Clients won’t trust you if your email looks like it belongs to a Craigslist hustler.
You Don’t Have Insurance—You’re One Slip Away From Bankruptcy, Genius
No business insurance? You’re not bold; you’re brain-dead. One pissed-off client, one freak accident, one “oops, my bad” moment, and you’re done—wiped out, broke, and crying into your ramen. General liability, professional liability, whatever fits your gig—get it. Skipping insurance because “it hasn’t happened yet” is like skipping condoms because you haven’t caught anything yet. It’s not a question of if shit goes wrong; it’s when. Protect your ass, you reckless moron, or don’t come whining when the bill comes due.
You Refuse to Delegate—You’re Not a Hero, You’re a Control-Freak Loser
If you’re still micromanaging every damn detail because “no one does it as good as me,” you’re not a business owner—you’re a bottleneck with a god complex. Refusing to delegate isn’t a badge of honor; it’s a death sentence for growth. You can’t scale if you’re drowning in grunt work, and your team—if you even have one—hates your guts for not trusting them. Hire people, train them, and let go of the reins, you obsessive freak. You’re not Superman; you’re a fool choking your own business to death.
You’re “Too Cheap” to Do Things Right—It’s Called an SMB Loan, Dumbass
“I can’t afford it” is the battle cry of the broke-minded, not the ambitious. If you’re too cheap to invest in the tools, people, or systems your business needs, you’re not saving money—you’re strangling your future. Newsflash: Small Business Loans exist for a reason. Banks, the SBA, even online lenders are throwing money at SMBs who’ve got a pulse and a plan. But no, you’d rather nickel-and-dime your way to mediocrity than borrow a dime to build something real. Stop whining about cash and start acting like a grown-up—fund it, fix it, and quit being a tightwad.
You Don’t Have a Website—or It’s a Piece of Trash
No website in 2025? You’re not a business; you’re a ghost haunting the Yellow Pages. And if your site’s a steaming pile—slow as hell, ugly as sin, or unusable on a phone—you’re not just invisible, you’re actively repelling customers. A decent website isn’t a luxury; it’s the bare minimum. Stop pretending “I’ve got a Facebook page” cuts it, you lazy dinosaur. Build something that doesn’t suck or watch your competition eat your lunch.
You Ignore Bookkeeping—Good Luck With the IRS
If your financial records are a shoebox of receipts and a “I’ll figure it out” shrug, you’re not quirky—you’re a tax evasion case waiting to happen. No proper bookkeeping means no grip on cash flow, no prep for taxes, and a VIP invite to an IRS audit. Hire a bookkeeper or at least crack open QuickBooks, you disorganized disaster. Uncle Sam doesn’t give a shit about your “I’m not a numbers guy” sob story—get it together or get reamed.
You Don’t Train Your Team—They Suck Because You Suck
Got a crew that can’t tie their shoes without screwing it up? That’s your fault, dipshit. If you’re too cheap or too lazy to train your people, you’re not a leader—you’re a babysitter with a payroll. Untrained staff botch deals, piss off clients, and make you look like the incompetent ass you are. Invest in training or quit crying when they tank your reputation. You reap what you sow, and you’re sowing garbage.
You Chase Every Shiny Object Instead of Focusing
Jumping on every hype train—crypto, NFTs, TikTok dances—without a shred of strategy? You’re not an entrepreneur; you’re a magpie with a short attention span. Pick a damn lane and stick to it instead of chasing every “next big thing” you scroll past on X. Distraction’s a silent killer, and you’re handing it the gun. Focus or flop—your call, scatterbrain.
You Don’t Follow Up With Leads—Why Even Bother?
If you’re letting leads go cold because “they’ll call back if they’re serious,” you’re not in business—you’re in fantasyland. No follow-up means no sales, full stop. People aren’t twiddling their thumbs waiting for you to grace them with your presence. Work the pipeline—call, email, hound them—or watch your revenue rot while you sit there with your thumb up your ass.
The Bottom Line: Stop Half-Assing It
Here’s the deal: running a business isn’t a hobby, a side hustle, or a “figure it out later” experiment. It’s a machine, and if you’re too lazy to oil the gears, it’s gonna seize up and die. These aren’t optional extras—they’re the foundation. No CRM? You’re blind. No email discipline? You’re rude. Texting for deals? You’re a joke. No scheduling? You’re a hassle. No T&Cs? You’re a target. Skimp on tech? You’re a ticking bomb. Free email? You’re a laughingstock. No insurance? You’re a fool. Consumer-grade gear? You’re a shortsighted disaster. Can’t delegate? You’re a control freak. Too cheap? You’re a coward. No website? You’re invisible. Ignoring books? You’re broke. Untrained team? You’re incompetent. Chasing trends? You’re lost. No follow-up? You’re pointless.
Fix this shit now, or don’t bother showing up. The world’s got enough mediocre businesses clogging the pipes—either run yours like a pro or get the hell out of the way for someone who will.