Oh, bless your heart, Current Bank. You’ve really outdone yourselves this time, haven’t you? In a saga that could only be described as a masterclass in incompetence, your customer service team has taken a simple referral bonus inquiry and turned it into a six-week nightmare worthy of a Kafka novel. Let’s break down this trainwreck of a timeline, shall we? Buckle up, because Current’s parade of nonsense is about to get the roasting it so richly deserves.
It all started innocently enough on February 6, 2025, when poor, naive Customer 1 dared to ask about a missing referral bonus after roping their friend, Customer 2, into Current’s oh-so-tempting clutches. Big mistake, Customer 1. You thought you’d get a quick answer and maybe a pat on the back for spreading the Current gospel? Adorable. Instead, you got John D. on February 7, who swooped in with the classic “send us your account details” line. Customer 1, being a good little soldier, complied immediately. And then… crickets.
Fast forward to February 11-17, when Customer 1, probably starting to suspect they’d been ghosted by a bank, followed up twice. No response. Shocking, right? It’s almost like Current’s support team was too busy perfecting their “ignore and deflect” strategy to bother with a reply. Finally, on March 4—yes, nearly a month later—Gene saunters in with a “sorry, champ, you’re not eligible” excuse, tossing the hot potato to Customer 2 to “investigate further.” Because why should Current do their own homework when they can make their customers play detective?
Customer 2, bless them, jumps into action on March 8, emailing from their personal account like a normal human being. But oh no, that’s not good enough for Anna from Current, who demands Customer 2 use their “Current-linked email.” Really, Anna? What, does Current have a secret email decoder ring that only works with the special address? Customer 2 obliges on March 10, handing over their DOB, address, phone number, and the last four digits of their card—basically everything short of their blood type and favorite color. Surely, this mountain of info will crack the case, right? Wrong.
A week later, on March 17, Customer 1 checks in again because—surprise!—Current’s gone radio silent. Enter Jane, who, with all the grace of a toddler with amnesia, asks for Customer 1’s account info again. Customer 1, probably fighting the urge to scream into the void, points out they’ve already provided it. The next day, March 18, brings a double whammy: Joe L. claims Customer 2’s account isn’t eligible (no specifics, naturally), while Tina chimes in with a brilliant “no referrals are showing on Customer 2’s account” plot twist. Customer 1, not one to let these clowns off the hook, fires back with the exact referral link Customer 2 used and proof of their qualifying direct deposit. Take that, Tina.
You’d think this would be the moment Current’s support team finally gets their act together, right? Nope. On March 19, Tina doubles down, asking for Customer 1’s account info yet again. Customer 1, now understandably at their wit’s end, demands escalation to someone—anyone—who isn’t stuck in this Groundhog Day loop of stupidity. Anna’s back, pretending she’s never heard of this issue before, asking Customer 1 to “clarify” like she’s just stumbled into the conversation mid-sentence. And then, on March 20, Bernadeth swoops in with the pièce de résistance: another request for Customer 1’s account details. At this point, Customer 1, fed up with the circus, threatens to sic the CFPB and FCC on Current’s sorry behind and slams the ticket shut. Good for you, Customer 1. You’ve earned a medal—or at least a stiff drink.
Let’s recap the brilliance of Current’s support system, shall we? We’ve got excessive delays—nearly a month for an initial response, because who doesn’t love waiting forever for a “no”? A revolving door of at least six agents—John D., Gene, Jane, Joe L., Tina, Anna, and Bernadeth—each more clueless than the last, like they’re playing a game of telephone with no winner. Repetitive info requests so relentless you’d think Current’s training manual is just “ask for account details” on a loop. Inconsistent excuses that bounce from “not eligible” to “no referrals showing” without a shred of explanation. A circular support loop that’d make a hamster wheel jealous, and a complete failure to escalate despite Customer 1 begging for someone competent to take the reins. Oh, and let’s not forget the communication breakdown so severe it’s like these agents are allergic to reading ticket histories.
Six weeks, two customers, one simple referral bonus issue—and Current Bank turned it into a dumpster fire of epic proportions. Bravo, Current. You’ve set a new gold standard for how to infuriate your customers while pretending to “help.” Maybe instead of a referral bonus, Customer 1 and Customer 2 deserve hazard pay for enduring your nonsense. Keep it up, champs—at this rate, you’ll be the poster child for why people ditch banks for stuffing cash under their mattresses.